"Your World Is Not Falling Apart..."
"Your World Is Not Falling Apart..."
This post was written during seeding in 2017.
I've never been in as dark a place as I have been for the last few weeks. A place that I could describe as filled with despair, discouragement, depression and overwhelm.I promised myself that after last year I wouldn't get discouraged again. In fact I even wrote a blog post about "drawing a line in the sand". I swear that after I wrote that it was as if the devil said "you want to bet?" As seeding began this year I slowly began to allow myself to get drug down in view of perfectionism. Now if you visited my home you might say "this is no perfectionist" but you see I am a perfectionist in that I feel that I need to have everything in order so that I can do the project or job in front of me to the nth degree. I'd like to pride myself on believe that I don't do things "half way". But the reality is that when I hold myself to "doing nothing halfway", I often don't get started. And when I don't get started things begin to pile up and become overwhelming which drags me down even further. You see I'm a do-er! Give me a job and I'll get it done, but when I begin to feel overwhelmed, I fall prey to guilt and things like "you're not good enough", you're not working hard enough", "This is all your fault", "you're not doing enough" and "you are failing! Just look around you at the proof"! And when I feel overwhelmed and guilty I start to feel depressed, discouraged and I begin despair.As you know Agriculture is cyclical. Challenges and projects never really go away or are checked off the to do list. Those cows that got out this morning, will probably try to get out this afternoon and maybe even again this evening. That fence you fixed, will have another deer or two or maybe even a cow go through it, breaking the clips off the fence post, and you'll have to go fix it again. The dishes from dinner two nights ago will still need to be done even if you don't have the time or energy. And that priority will begin to move up the to do list as you get closer and closer to not having anything to eat off of. Those weeds you pulled yesterday?! They'll be back. That cheet (sp?) grass you sprayed in the field?! It will be back too. It won't give up that easily.This year I began to allow my focus to get so honed in on all of these challenges and I allowed the devil to tell lies to me. "Why is it that the cows are getting out again? Because you're not working hard enough." "You can't stay positive...look at this mess. It's all yours and definitely your fault!" "You can't seem to get ahead because you don't have the right priorities." "Your kids screaming in the backseat are willfully disobeying you, purposely getting on your nerves, don't care about what needs to get done, and are doing everything in their ability to sabotage your mission." "Your husband doesn't understand. He won't ever get it. His negativity is because you keep sharing with him all of the issues you're having instead of being a big girl and dealing with them all yourself. Oh that's right! You can't deal with it all yourself, because you're a failure."After hearing those things in my mind and succumbing to believing them "hook, line and sinker", you can bet I was in a place of despair, discouragement, and depression. I convinced myself that this was my reality and I created a fortress of isolation around myself that left me very lonely. I can't tell you how much I just hurt inside. I cried more in one week than I have in the past 5 years. And with my husband, with whom I should have been open and honest with, I mainly expressed myself in silence or anger.God began working in my life through conversations with several different friends. One friend I doubt even realize how she reached out by simply asking to come visit one day. I know that she doesn't know or didn't know what I was facing. The other friend that joined us, met me where I was, in my dirty kitchen and folded laundry with me while we visited. Having friends show such Christ-like love, having that time to be together to laugh and watch the kids play together, began the healing that needed to happen in my heart. I began to be able to put the pieces together of where I had allowed perfectionism, guilt and untruths to take hold in my mind.Today I sat in the tractor seeding and just felt raw. Pandora came to mind and I thought "That's what I'll do! I'll listen to music." Music has always had a way of speaking to my heart. You know how Pandora starts playing songs on the last station you played music from? Well, the first song that started playing was Casting Crowns' "Just be held" and I bawled. It felt like God was speaking specifically to my hurting heart. It couldn't have been more appropriate.
Here are the lyrics:
"Hold it all togetherEverybody needs you strongBut life hits you out of nowhereAnd barely leaves you holding onAnd when you’re tired of fightingChained by your controlThere’s freedom in surrenderLay it down and let it goCHORUS: So when you’re on your knees and answers seem so far awayYou’re not alone, stop holding on and just be heldYour worlds not falling apart, its falling into placeI’m on the throne, stop holding on and just be heldJust be held, just be heldIf your eyes are on the stormYou’ll wonder if I love you stillBut if your eyes are on the crossYou’ll know I always have and I always willAnd not a tear is wastedIn time, you’ll understandI’m painting beauty with the ashesYour life is in My handsCHORUS: So when you’re on your knees and answers seem so far awayYou’re not alone, stop holding on and just be heldYour worlds not falling apart, its falling into placeI’m on the throne, stop holding on and just be heldJust be held, just be heldLift your hands, lift your eyesIn the storm is where you’ll find MeAnd where you are, I’ll hold your heartI’ll hold your heartCome to Me, find your restIn the arms of the God who wont let goCHORUS: So when you’re on your knees and answers seem so far awayYou’re not alone, stop holding on and just be heldYour worlds not falling apart, its falling into placeI’m on the throne, stop holding on and just be heldJust be held, just be held"The words of the whole song touched my heart, but these words were so convicting:"If your eyes are on the stormYou’ll wonder if I love you stillBut if your eyes are on the crossYou’ll know I always have and I always will"
I realized that my eyes were so filled with seeing all that I was failing at and all I had yet to do, that I wasn't focused on the cross and what really mattered. When I focus on the cross, I realize that I have been given not only unconditional, unwavering love, but also the strength to handle anything that comes my way in this wild, crazy, stressful, all-encompassing Ag life and I already had all that I need to succeed.
“for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.”2 Timothy 1:7"but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.”Isaiah 40:31
Love to you and yours,